16
June 06
[this week index]
Barnabas
"I threw my toys out of the pram by email, and they sent a top man down to see us, anyway the upshot of the negotiations is, whoops, hello?, hi!, that was my fault, just went through a tunnel, right, i'm gonna go now, it gets really annoying when you have someone in the carriage going 'Are you there?' "
That's true, but he seems to be discounting the irritation of sitting in the vicinity of some croaky-voiced knobhead droning on in business speak in the first place. I don't mind eavesdropping on gossip, arguments, 'What's for dinner?' type conversations, but not this. I want to wretch. There is nothing more indicative of the potential for barrenness in the human spirit. You may as well sit on the train intoning clearly and rationally (with a pinch of pomposity of course) into your mobile phone;
"My soul is dead, my emotional palette bleak and bare (however I am, of course, terribly dependable and efficient)"
At least he didn't say 'Mate'. If there's one thing worse than unadulterated business speak, it's people trying to be matey with it.
"Hello mate, how are you? <pause> It's Brian here, Brian Jones, yes, yes, that's right. How's the new place? Yep, yep, I imagine it is! <hollow, desparate chuckle> Right! Well, just to let you know, I've spoken with Angela Ryder and in her opinion.... so, if you could get back to me asap, okay mate, cheers then, Bye!"
A frail old lady sits opposite me. It seems to be an effort for her to lift her medium-size cup of scalding costa-coffee to her graying lips. I worry she might spill it all over herself and wonder what i'll usefully be able to do if she does. Proffer a few sheets of crumpled toilet paper from my pocket perhaps? She sighs audibly, i hold my breath instinctively, as if age might be catching.
At home i regret not having taken up an invitation to deliver tea and share sleepy dust and morning breath, an early a.m. opportunity to nidificate in the arms of someone who makes me go all funny. I find a note on my pillow chastising me for my poor service and failure to appear and hope the opportunity will arise again.
At home there are 17 year old boys and their idea of fun is being in a gang called 'The Disciples', high on crack, toting a machine gun.
earlier posts
23 May 06 Reading
adoring considering feeling...
22
May 06 Understanding
"AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHH!"...
4 May 06 A
smorgasbord of Biggie Smalls' balls...
1 May 06 Jet
leg fat leg peg leg dog leg bug leg zzzz...
26 April 06 It's
spring and everything's spinning out...
25 April 06 An
unfeasible amount of vegetables in cheese...
21 April 06
Four
hours later we were in Scarborough...
20 April 06 Interfrastically
digestible musings of doom...
11 April 06 Escalator
gustovator Wednesday-waiter...
10 April 06 I
can see my carpet! It's beige!...
24 March 06 LOOK
LOOK dancing Swampeyes...
2 March 06 Pummelled
by a novice for four pounds...
2 March 06 Cinnamony
imbecilic Mappy Pong arcadia...
2 March 06 Get
him real drunk, make him dance...
12 February 06 But what is the value of x?...
24 January 06
Drunkenness,
vomiting and 69...
15 January 06 Candlesticks
buffed, underlings nobbed...
10 January 06 Fencing,
pipe-smoking and procrastination...
10 January 06 High-pitched,
mid-volume screaming...
4 January 06 Awkward
midriff, shaven headed and dandy...
20 December 05
All
I want for Christmas, says Heidi, is...
16 December 05 Officials,
pleasantries, obituaries...
9 December 05 Shitdisco,
Depravikazi and too much cheese...
8 December 05 Happy
face or sad face? Damn variety!...
30 November 05
Stars
and sequins twinkling as you tinkle...
29 November 05 A
little Poe and an alarmingly fabulous time...
22 November 05 Geoffrey
and Geoffrey's boyfriend...
21 November 05 Vaginatron,
Test-Icicles and contraction...
2 November 05 'What
kind of high school stereotype are you?'...
26 October 05
Lengthy
ignorance of brief garden appeased...
26 October 05 Jesus.
Forced change is a right fucker...
26 October 05 The
systematic pilfering of my wardrobe items...
26 October 05 Unfortunate
breakage, pure filth and Buffy...
12 October 05 "OI'LL
KICK YER COHNT IN", etcetera...
10 October 05 Repopulated
by a bunch of unpalatable goths...
5 October 05 I
didn't know eyes could bear such sadness...
4 October 05 Nostalgic-optimistic-romantic
tragical-comical-...
27 September 05
Peach
schnapps/morse code machine...
19 September 05
Extra-head
paranoic engine drives fallacy...
14 September 05
Buggery
in oil, magician's box, foreign gent...
12 September 05
Soul-sapping
image capture, DJ Scotch Egg...
1 September 05 'Rhinoceros',
Camber Sands, vain hope...
26 August 05
Valpolicella-quaffing
Satanic Barbie, scones...
22 August 05 Fine
lines, icy bruises, Chris Isaak, absence...
18 August 05 Bruises
of a sick canary hue. And Soft Cell...
14 August 05 Bile,
breakdancing, barely controlled rage...
6 August 05 Moss-moist
eyes, Roman Holiday and ringing...
27 July 05 Begging,
borrowing and stealing. And gowns...
22 July 05 Tris's
"You're Generally Indie" quiz result...
21 July 05 Test-Icicles,
overeducated rightwing baboon...
20 July 05 Buffalo
66, red shoes and a new frock...
12 July 05 Diversions,
hair conditioner, pots of tea and idiots...
1 July 05 Angela
Carter, exotic fruits and pink person-stripes...
29 June 05 Dresden
Dolls, Tori Amos, enticing flatmate...
28 June 05 Welly
welding, ghost trains, vaginas, bitching...
16 June 05 Posh
biscuits; the courting potential of the library...
15 June 05 Martin
Amis, chicklit and money problems...
8 June 05 Rabies
jabs and the History of Western Philosophy...