2
March 06
[this week index]
Alexandra
Now I like a good rub down as much as anyone but as funds are ankle height I took myself off to the local beauty college to be pummelled by a novice for four pounds. A negligible sum, you’ll agree, for having one’s worries and cares eased away by the sinuous digits of a fair maiden but what if the student should slip while in charge of my discs and do me a serious mischief?
The college has the sterile air and echoing floors of a hospital and it was already with thoughts of demise in my mind that I was led to a draughty room divided into cubicles and overseen by a rotund woman in white uniform. I was asked to undress and lie on a bed in one such cubicle, separated from my fellow testees by a plastic curtain drawn, screeching, around my indecent form. And then my bucktoothed therapist got to work.
It wasn’t pleasant exactly. At times it felt as if the young lady charged was scraping at my scapulae with fish forks. I think she had a carbuncle. I started to enjoy myself mind when it became apparent that the woman next to me was having the blackheads on her back steamed and squeezed by a reassuringly stentorian Spaniard. The offending blighters were well entrenched, “impacted,” I heard the Spaniard shout, requiring considerable coaxing before they rendering up their larval goodness. The woman insisted on seeing the results of the extraction at regular intervals. I do not blame her. I advise affording it mantelpiece status; in a jar next to her first ex-husband’s gallstones, her second ex-husband’s ashes and the remains of a faux-rose candle extinguished after an abortive fumble with the widower next door.
I left lopsided but
intact of spine and with the warmth of an urethral accident in my heart at
knowing I’ve assisted in the education of an incompetent.
Reading:
Underground London – Stephen Smith, Saturday – Ian McEwan, Betjeman.
Listening to:
Radio Four (the station that is), Mussorgsky.
Watching:
The Wicker Man, The Mighty Boosh, Fawlty Towers.
earlier posts
2 March 06 Cinnamony
imbecilic Mappy Pong arcadia...
2
March 06 Get
him real drunk, make him dance...
12 February 06 But what is the value of x?...
24 January 06
Drunkenness,
vomiting and 69...
15 January 06 Candlesticks
buffed, underlings nobbed...
10 January 06 Fencing,
pipe-smoking and procrastination...
10 January 06 High-pitched,
mid-volume screaming...
4 January 06 Awkward
midriff, shaven headed and dandy...
20 December 05
All
I want for Christmas, says Heidi, is...
16 December 05 Officials,
pleasantries, obituaries...
9 December 05 Shitdisco,
Depravikazi and too much cheese...
8 December 05 Happy
face or sad face? Damn variety!...
30 November 05
Stars
and sequins twinkling as you tinkle...
29 November 05 A
little Poe and an alarmingly fabulous time...
22 November 05 Geoffrey
and Geoffrey's boyfriend...
21 November 05 Vaginatron,
Test-Icicles and contraction...
2 November 05 'What
kind of high school stereotype are you?'...
26 October 05
Lengthy
ignorance of brief garden appeased...
26 October 05 Jesus.
Forced change is a right fucker...
26 October 05 The
systematic pilfering of my wardrobe items...
26 October 05 Unfortunate
breakage, pure filth and Buffy...
12 October 05 "OI'LL
KICK YER COHNT IN", etcetera...
10 October 05 Repopulated
by a bunch of unpalatable goths...
5 October 05 I
didn't know eyes could bear such sadness...
4 October 05 Nostalgic-optimistic-romantic
tragical-comical-...
27 September 05
Peach
schnapps/morse code machine...
19 September 05
Extra-head
paranoic engine drives fallacy...
14 September 05
Buggery
in oil, magician's box, foreign gent...
12 September 05
Soul-sapping
image capture, DJ Scotch Egg...
1 September 05 'Rhinoceros',
Camber Sands, vain hope...
26 August 05
Valpolicella-quaffing
Satanic Barbie, scones...
22 August 05 Fine
lines, icy bruises, Chris Isaak, absence...
18 August 05 Bruises
of a sick canary hue. And Soft Cell...
14 August 05 Bile,
breakdancing, barely controlled rage...
6 August 05 Moss-moist
eyes, Roman Holiday and ringing...
27 July 05 Begging,
borrowing and stealing. And gowns...
22 July 05 Tris's
"You're Generally Indie" quiz result...
21 July 05 Test-Icicles,
overeducated rightwing baboon...
20 July 05 Buffalo
66, red shoes and a new frock...
12 July 05 Diversions,
hair conditioner, pots of tea and idiots...
1 July 05 Angela
Carter, exotic fruits and pink person-stripes...
29 June 05 Dresden
Dolls, Tori Amos, enticing flatmate...
28 June 05 Welly
welding, ghost trains, vaginas, bitching...
16 June 05 Posh
biscuits; the courting potential of the library...
15 June 05 Martin
Amis, chicklit and money problems...
8 June 05 Rabies
jabs and the History of Western Philosophy...