The Black Tulips: THIS WEEK

Tris

An extract from my journal:

I feel so bad, and don't know why I feel so bad, except I do know why but I assume that knowing why should make me able to ignore it. It's like ignoring an extra head, trying to hold a conversation with you, or threatening to smash your face in. There's nothing you can say to it that you haven't said before but you can't get rid of it because it would bleed you to death. And if you have it professionally amputated you will bear the scars. And in any case it's part of you and you're strangely fond of it in a fond/frightened sort of way and it helps you keep up your unhealthy obsession with yourself while maintaining the fallacious belief that you're actually thinking about something external to you. But you grew it so there's no use being surprised by it now - you might as well try to get on with one less kidney. In that you could get by without it but it would make you weaker. So in a funny way it contributes to your strength. In fact it's probably the source of your strength, the monkey on your back driving you on when you're spent, lashing you to do more even when your eye strings crack and your back breaks. It's the personification of your neuroses, it's your paranoic engine and without it you'd be lost. Instead you are paralysed by fear, the scalpel poised to cut out your poison, your arm dead to the necessary movement. But you aren't frozen in time, you're feeling every second pass in crushing silence and your muscles revolt, enveloping arm, fingers and back in cramp spasms you are powerless to treat.

And that's pretty much how I'm feeling most of the time. Anyone care to offer me a job?

earlier posts

14 September 05 Buggery in oil, magician's box, foreign gent...
12 September 05 Soul-sapping image capture, DJ Scotch Egg...
1 September 05 'Rhinoceros', Camber Sands, vain hope...

26 August 05 Valpolicella-quaffing Satanic Barbie, scones...
22 August 05 Fine lines, icy bruises, Chris Isaak, absence...
18 August 05 Bruises of a sick canary hue. And Soft Cell...
14 August 05 Bile, breakdancing, barely controlled rage...
6 August 05 Moss-moist eyes, Roman Holiday and ringing...

27 July 05 Begging, borrowing and stealing. And gowns...
22 July 05 Tris's "You're Generally Indie" quiz result...
21 July 05 Test-Icicles, overeducated rightwing baboon...
20 July 05 Buffalo 66, red shoes and a new frock...
12 July 05 Diversions, hair conditioner, pots of tea and idiots...
1 July 05 Angela Carter, exotic fruits and pink person-stripes...

29 June 05 Dresden Dolls, Tori Amos, enticing flatmate...
28 June 05 Welly welding, ghost trains, vaginas, bitching...
16 June 05 Posh biscuits; the courting potential of the library...
15 June 05 Martin Amis, chicklit and money problems...
8 June 05 Rabies jabs and the History of Western Philosophy...

[this week index]