Deadman                                                 [the band index]

The mysterious drummer.

I am deadman, hear me prattle....

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel ski resorts in my lunch break, making them more efficient in the area of snow collection. I translate ethnic slurs for Chilean mountain guides, write award winning operas and manage time efficiently.

I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing and can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. I cook 30 minute brownies in under 10 minutes. Using only a monoski and a large glass of water I once defended a small Alpine valley from a horde of ferocious ants.

When I'm bored I build funicular railways in my garden. I enjoy urban hanggliding. On Wednesdays, after skiing I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a river analyst and children trust me.

Critics worldwide applaud my line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen and yet I receive fan mail. Last summer I toured the Amazon Basin with a travelling centrifugal force demonstration. I run the 100m in 9.65secs.

I can hurl tennis rackets at moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read all of War and Peace and still had time to refit an entire kitchen. I know the exact location of every food in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week and the laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge and my bills are all paid. At weekends to let off steam I participate in full contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary 4 course meals out of some old vegetables and a sandwich toaster. I breed award winning clams.

I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri-Lanka and chess tournaments at the Kremlin.

I have spoken with Elvis.